Hey, Charlie Sheen!..


You don't actually exist!

You know when you see a really fat person?

Pinch their fat flesh as hard as you possibly can. And then again. And again.

They will scream.

Pinch them again.
Never stop pinching their shell.

You'll get through eventually. You'll rouse a response.

This is the good response.

Keep pinching.

Go beyond pinch. Squeeze and tear. Tear at their prison. Pull it apart.
Scream with them as you free them.

Thump them if needs be. Bite and thump them.

Take a step back.

........................................



Look at what you've done. I bet you regret that now.

You know when you see a really fat person, and It's quite funny, 'cos it's all like "they chose to be that way, the fat cunt!".

Don't do that. It's really mean.

true

There was a man from Exeter,
who built a beautiful machine,
the machine allowed for infinite possibility,
the man wept at what he saw,
he wept the good tears,
existential rapture,
he destroyed the machine,
it was the best course of action he could ever have taken,
the machine showed all truths,
the man couldn't cope.

I reckon I'd be able to cope.

Everything will probably be fine. Like, there's layers of doubt and then when you take into account logic, things seem really fucked, right?

Seriously though, everything will be fine.

Just wait and see.

Given that, time is limited, why not just go and fucking discover the essence of what is good and then go and practise that?


I'm not asking much of you...


Right, yes, but.. I read a philosophy book this one time, and.. it was all like "What you call good is just blind adherence to Christian Moral Standards, abstracted to a secular audience"..


Yeah, and I read The Bible.


Yeah, but Nietzsche sai-


Yeah, and God sai-


Prove it!


Ho ho ho! Okay.. ZING. You've got me.. 
I CAN'T PROVE IT. That's the flaw there.

But here's one for you, Johnny Fucking Übermensch.. Davey Nihilist.. :


Why do you live in a Christian Moral way, behaving in a Ch-..


At this point, a nuclear bomb was detonated, effectively killing both stupid fucking wankers. 

You're on monkey bars. They are greased and below you is a pit of fire.

You can do it

You're boring as fuck.


No?


Prove me wrong then.


Okay, good!

Go here

This is Valencia, in Spain. I went to Valencia for a holiday, years ago. The place we stayed in was named after somebody who died in the World Trade Centre attacks. That didn't change the mood at all.

I want to live there for a bit. The people were nice. The ones I met. The buildings were simple. Not that fucking simple. But simple enough. Utilitarian, but with some thought put into them.

If you are lucky enough to go there, I reckon you'll agree with me.

Valencia probably has shit places too. You might go there and hate it. I'm talking about the good bits of Valencia.

Sunflowers are pretty good. I like how they can grow and grow, but still remain nice and simple. I also like their stalk, and their seeds that just appear in their faces.

I'm going to get a sunflower again.

As I was going to St.Ives, I stopped and questioned everything that I'd ever internalised.

YOU HIPPIE SCUMBAG

A lovely chicken sandwich.
It's got lettuce.. It's got mayo.. It's got butter.. It's got multi-seed, doughy bread.. It's got chicken.

It's got CHICKEN.
IT HAS GOT A DEAD LIFE-FORM INSIDE.

"Killing animals is bad!"

"You vegetarian, partisan boring wanker"

"Yeah but it's baaaaaad. It's a living thing, et-cetera!!!"

"Boo-hoo.."

No, no.. wait a second...

It's easy to excuse it away. We all do. I fucking do!

But.. Challenge your working-model for second...

I dare you!

Ha!

Right, okay.

You're with me? .. Good..

Okay..

ItIsAThingThatDoesExperiencePainAndHasBeenKilledForYourStomachYouIgnorantGreedyOpulant,ArrogantFuckingArsehole.

"Boo hoo!!! WAAAA!"

Boo Hoo. Waaa.

The Great Mr.Lead

For my next feat I require a member of the audience!


.......


Yes! You Madam! Perfect


..........
........


Ladies and Gentleman; observe!


......


Now, madam, I'd like you to know that sometimes I just sit with tears streaming down my face, offended.. hurt by the bleakness of it all..
As if everything you, I, we have EVER BEEN TAUGHT, was just some sort of distant dream-reality...


*audience gasps*


Yes. That.. pursuing truth and.. aspiring to share this truth with others.. is futile. That.. that caring at all is a pointless joke.


*Unsettled muttering*


Other days though, I know why it's worth living. I'll share it... I.. The GREAT MR.LEAD! will show you the truth! Behind this curtain lies the answer to it all! Behind this curtain is my guiding warmth. It's the reason that I am The Great Mr.Lead... The reason we love.. The reason to carry on.


*Attentive muttering*


And this is IT!


<Curtain pulled back>
<Revealed is a massive mirror. The audience can see themselves>
<The Great Mr.Lead breaks into a massive tender smile>
<There is dead silence>


*Booing*
*Shouts of "refund"!*


<The Great Mr.Lead is confused. His face changes into one of hurt>
<The Great Mr.Lead begins to cry>
<The audience throw things at The Great Mr.Lead>
<He leaves the arena, still crying>
<That night he hangs himself>

Here's some advice

Me and my mates tried Salvia this one time. Salvia. You know, legal old Salvia.

Worst, scariest fucking thing ever.

Morning Routine

You wake up at 7:15am.

A slow walk to the bathroom, and a quick wee. Weeing out all of the night's stored piss. Into the bowl of the toilet. Quick wipe; quick flush.

Turn to the sink; wash your hands. There. Washed.

Grab the toothbrush. Run the water on the toothbrush's head. Grab the toothpaste; take off the cap.

The toothpaste tube is filled with human shit. Somehow, somebody at the factory has gotten human shit into the tube. You've squirted a bit onto the toothbrush head.

Fuck.

"Show us your tits love!"

--------------------------

"Ha, get 'em out for the lads!.. And get yourself a drink.. here, here ya go! Look, £3 for ya.. go on.. any drink"

"I'm trying my best to perform lifesaving surgery on your aorta. This really isn't helpful."


"...ha.. um.. Are you a lesbian or what..!.. ha..."


"You're losing blood. You'll be dead in five minutes if you don't keep still"

Action Man: Peace Envoy Edition

"..and that's a WRAP!". Mr.T finishes plugging the Snickers bar and heads off to his trailer.

His wife enters the trailer, bleeding from a neck wound.

She dies in his arms. He has 30 complimentary Snickers bars to eat. All of them, absolutely free.

So, she's there, dancing on the dancefloor. "Pretty Green Eyes" is playing, and you're both really into it. Both flailing limbs in ecstasy, occasionally pounding the air with your fists.

She smiles and you move in.

"I fucking love this tune!", you yell at her. "Ha! Yeah, me too!" she yells back, amongst the noise.

The dancing gets exotic, and you grind one another.

You realise you're gay.

In the next scene, Hitler is seen violently raping Eva Braun. He then makes some Marmite on toast.

Sorry I'm late, I was writing "Nazi scum" on a UKIP poster.

Dead Lines

"I can't do it right now, I don't have permission. I really would, and I've got a lot to say. I just can't this second.."

....muttering...

"I know the time's been set aside for it.. I.."

.........

"Well then.. Alright.."

.

"You're unhappy with it? .. Yeah.. Me too..."

The football match stopped for half-time.
The ref' went off to the sidelines where he joined the other neutrals.

The players looked at their shoes; every player. And they didn't know what to do.

They glanced at the sidelines. The ref', along with his officials, was gone.

First they argued.
They argued for fucking ages, mind.

Eventually they talked. It happened through.. pure... entropy.., really.


Then, everyone went fucking home. The football rivalry was just a big analogy for their differences.
They punched a Paki on the way home.
They punched a man, because of his race. They all cheered when the big football player, with his gritted teeth, punched the Paki.
He fell, hit his head. He didn't die, but he was never the same since. His family were distressed and his wife cried most nights. It's not a funny joke with comic violence. He nearly died.


Nobody likes a grass though, lads. Nobody likes a grass... eh..

Hey! Nah, nah! I've not really been upto much today... Went into town.. Y'know..

Three shrimp are in a rock crevice. The tide never, ever gets low enough to reveal it, but, if it did, it'd be known as a rock pool, this rock crevice.
The shrimp float in this crevice. They float for hours. Hours mean nothing. They float. An eternity.

It's okay to think that way, sometimes.

The problem

"I'm not an explorer. I like to think of myself as an anti-explorer, of sorts"

"What do you mean by that then, guy?"

"Well, just the other day, I."

"Yes, I see now."


"You'll die too though."


"This, I hadn't considered. How do you plan?.."


"To plan is the mistake. To not plan should be the only plan"


"That's so simple though!.. "<laughs>


"Yes, it is. Now, though, try it."


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"I could not practise this. I've made plans. I've planned again. I've planned to plot out the entire fucking journey as is correct! You tried to fool me all along. You acerbic little slug. You tried to sabotage me, out of sheer spite. I have this on good authority"


"You can only trust me."


"You disgust me, you filthy charlatan. I have a good mind to take action against you."


"You must try to trust me. I know how difficult it is. I'm trying to show you the truth. I know this. You know this too."


"It pains me to know this. In removing you, i'll make it stop. In removing you, it will stop."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

It did not stop.

Hey! haha!

Yeah!

Don't worry about it man!
I'll return it tomorrow.

I will return it tomorrow.

Neither parties in this conversation ever existed. It did not exist. It was not returned.

Just fine

The dog attacked the cat and killed the cat.

Years later, the dog died.

The happiness killed the sadness.

Years later, the happiness died.

The state subsumed the prior state.

Intervals later, the state is subsumed.

The hill

I walked down the hill today and saw other people on my journey.
I saw cars and buses. These did not crash.

I made a square circle today and heard red on my journey.
I heard thick and thin. These did not smell.

I destroyed the thought of my arm today and tore through my mind.
I destroyed me and myself. This was not physical.

The elephant at the zoo

The elephant at the zoo is just stood there. It stands, for hours. It takes a large shit, and just stands there.

She thinks the elephant is sad. She says that, the elephant is standing still because it is drained of all meaning, in the zoo. It stands there and waits to die.

He thinks that the elephant isn't capable of happiness or sadness. The elephant just stands as that's what the elephant does. It stands there and waits to die.

The elephant stands there and waits to die.

Programmed life

sub1

A manager is holding a 'team briefing' and general pep-talk where trendy corporate lines are spewed out to employees who all feign interest. They do not care.

Malcolm is unshaven and viewed as a slob. Lucy is a punk in her spare time (in the fashion sense) but dresses impeccably for the office. Sharon is the manager. A middle-aged, bitter borderline-sadist whose fulfilment in life is to make sure that office work is undertaken correctly.

When Sharon leaves the office, she sits in her above-average car and stares into the rear-view mirror. Probably hoping to find the existential 'cork' to plug her massive existential 'gap'.

She chews tic-tacs during the fifteen minute car journey home.

She arrives home, usually, just after her husband.

They hold long conversations. They're long, in the hope that either party will touch upon something profound amongst their usual soup of aching monotony. This does not occur.

The average night for Sharon and her husband is usually hours spent staring at the television. The news. Sharon's husband usually leaves for bed first. He does not love Sharon.

Sharon turns off the television and walks to bed. Both parties lay in the bed. Sometimes, they will engage in pitiful sex. Mostly, they do not.

In the morning, Sharon often wakes alone. Her husband must leave for work.

Sharon brushes her teeth whilst staring into the mirror.

Her eyes are usually glistened with a thin layer of liquid.

Sharon makes a mental note that she must be tired. The glistening is caused by Sharon's pathetic human state. Sharon has addressed the problem of existence incorrectly.

goto: sub1

The man on the bus

Yesterday on the bus, a chap behind me innocently asked if he could use my (mobile) phone.
I half-turned and instantly replied with a firm "No". I didn't look at him when I said that.

Thirty seconds later, he was using my phone.

Even before saying "No", I recognised it was incredibly cunty of me. That is, bearing in mind all of the variables in the situation (it being on public transport, he looking very sincere, he asking with such innocence), he was not going to steal my phone or otherwise abuse it/me. I knew this.

I chose to say "No" as it's seemingly the done thing and the British thing; "Get your own phone, mate".

He was in some level of need, and I denied him.

I apologised and offered him use of the phone, which he accepted.

This wasn't just to satisfy my own vanity for Christian moral standards; box-ticking so that I could feel good about my day. In practical, consequentialist terms, the guy's state was in some level improved, which was good.